Church Antagonist

I got baptized in middle school. I was attending a church with my folks and I went through the “confirmation” course for six weeks or so that ended in a public baptism. The sad thing for me was at the time I didn’t even really know Christ.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew “of” Christ. But I did not know Him. I was not in any kind of relationship with Him at all. I wasn’t even aware that there was more to it than knowing “of” Jesus.

So in essence I went a little backwards in my salvation process. I was baptized and then 5-6 years later actually responded to Jesus and put Him first in my life. 

Baptism is a very public profession of knowing Jesus. It is standing up in front of people and even if no words are exchanged it is saying “From this point forward I want to be known as someone who is ‘with Jesus’”. Sadly I was unable to do that at my first baptism, as I was absolutely NOT with Jesus at the time.

So why now? After being a pastor for almost 7 years?

I’ve lived with the shame of feeling “backwards” for quite some time. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I felt God began to deliver me from the scourge of what other people think. (Galatians 1:10) 

I had lived under the self-condemnation that if I chose to get baptized now, I would be making a fool of God, a fool of the church, a fool of my friends and family because here I was, a pastor, feeling like I was supposed to get baptized again. 

I’ve been patient and waiting for God to give me the green light, and I got it. 

Now to answer some of your questions before you even ask them:

Does this mean you weren’t saved this whole time?

Uh… no… and if you believe that then you need to read your bible. The only thing that gets you in is knowing Christ. Believing He died for your sins and was raised from the dead. Baptism is an important part of Christianity, but it has nothing to do with your salvation or your standing with God. It is a public & symbolic gesture of the “old” you passing away and the “new” you being born again to Jesus.

Does this mean you were being disobedient to God?

It’s arguable. I felt promptings to get baptized occasionally, but I never felt peace about the timing. Whether that was God waiting for the right season or my own self-doubt, I couldn’t tell you. But let’s be honest, if we were all as vulnerable as I am being on this blog right now we could all list a “few” things that we have been “disobedient” about.

Are your leaders making you do this?

Not at all! I approached them with the idea. There response was overwhelmingly positive and they were quick to support my decision. I think they are just as excited as I am.

Will you get baptized again, when you feel like its time?

Very unlikely. First off, I’m not doing this because I “feel” like it. I am doing this because Jesus asked me to. For those of you reading that know me, you will understand that I am not doing this for attention. This is part of my growth as a Christian and a leader. My hope is that you will cheer just as loud for the brand new Christians as you will for me.

So if you don’t want attention, then why are you posting this on your blog?

There are lots of people out there who know “of” Jesus but do not know Him. He is a part of their lives but not a priority in their lives. My motive is that at least one person would read this and it would inspire them to take a step closer to Christ. This is God’s work and I am just a witness to it all.

If you’ve been a Christian for at least a day, you have probably asked God some of the following:

• Who am I?
• What is my purpose?
• Why am I here?
• Where am I going?
• When am I gonna get there?

It is crucial for us to ask these questions. It is part of our journey. At times these questions can evoke LOTS of emotion in us. Anger, fear, despair, joy, happiness, love and so on. But here is something I journaled recently that we need to consider when asking these questions (yes I journal, but am terrible at consistency):

And why do I even demand to know the answers to these questions? Who am I as “creation” to look to “Creator” and ask, why did you put me here? Like He is supposed to explain to me the workings of His plan and process. Like I deserve to be privy to His inner thoughts and goals. I am thankful for when He shows me, but I can’t believe how wicked I am to think that I am entitled to knowing! 

As weird as it is to quote myself, this is a very common problem in my journey. I am constantly judging God. Reasoning with myself as to why He choses to do this or that. Sadly, my reasoning usually gets me nowhere.  My attempt to make Him explain it to me leaves me frustrated. Here is the second part to what I journaled:

God please forgive me for once again putting myself out of place. You are Mighty and Holy and wonderful and so gracious to even give me a place. I will learn to be thankful and content and at peace in You alone. Help me to simply listen to you with my ears and heart and respond in an immediate and pure way. 

I don’t understand how things get to the place they get. It seems that as we sit idly by thinking we are truly living, we are actually doing the opposite. Things slowly pull apart. They degrade. They break. They fail. They fall. Why is it that we think that by doing nothing, something might actually get better? That nothing will one day equal something. Is this the problem with humanity? Is it a problem with a generation? Do the young feel entitled to a future they didn’t earn or do the old feel entitled to withhold the future they worked for?

We live in a world that puts the highest value on the least valueable things. Spouses and children are interchangable and easily left when things go sour. Politically our goverment has built beyond its people to the point that the moderate majority don’t care anymore as long as it doesn’t affect their paycheck. Educationally we are more concerned with a MEAP score than whether a child learns the beauty of science and math and goes on to create work with meaning. Vocationally we are doing something “in the mean time” until what we truly desire to do comes along… which will probably never happen. Relationally we dance around truth to maintain some false sense of connection while honesty sits in the back row staring at his watch. Religiously we fight for our piece of the 38,000 Christian denomination pie while Jesus continues to live and breathe and heal despite our best efforts to kill Him off.

I want us to make things that matter. That mean. To produce something. Even if it only ever reaches a sub group of a sub-minority. Create something. Live something. Believe something. Love something. 

Ok, I’m good now, thanks internet.

Been thinking over the past year about what success really means. I have pretty sizable thoughts as to what I think it looks like. It usually involves bigger and better and more powerful and smarter.

But then I stop and think about Jesus’ life. At the point He died on the cross, you could consider Him a total failure. He had said so many great things, I don’t think anyone thought he would die like that.

The disciples had already left Him and gone back to their jobs (some before He was even on the cross). He was left alone with His mother and best friend at the end of His life. The crowds questioning whether He was really anything more than a smooth talking charlatan. Even His God turned His back that day.

And none of us would have thought any different. In what we commonly think of as success and failure, at the point of the cross for Jesus - He was a total failure.

But then something happened. Something miraculous.

Maybe all your hopes and dreams are dead and buried - having suffered through this horrendous life and you’ve given up on them and called them as you see them: “failures”.

Maybe you’re at a place where all the people in your circle, your family, friends, co-workers don’t see you having much of a chance anymore and have called you as they see you: “failure”.

Maybe you have questioned your life and God’s calling and wondered how in the world was a “failure” like you going to carry out His plan?

For all the promises of God find their Yes in Jesus! And just because it’s dead and buried, doesn’t mean it failed. In Him, we all get to walk out of that tomb. In Him, even the most wretched of failures gets another chance.

So the third post of 2011 comes in September. I haven’t abandoned what I am doing here by any means, just a little disillusioned with my own voice. Convinced that I have little to say right now. Not interested in completing sentences when they are fragments.

I want to hear the Father’s voice as clearly as I possibly can. I can only do this in Jesus so lately my focus has been more about what I need to hear and less about what I need to say.

I will turn 31 in 3 months. I know this year has been (and will continue to be) significant in my life but it seems like it all happened so fast it is tough to reflect on what actually happened. Am I changing? Am I growing? What did I learn? What have I taught my children?

Like an army marching towards its next objective the thoughts in my head are like organized chaos. There is method to my brain’s madness. I am excited by the questions I have but still feel that by this age I should already know their answers. 

I feel more certain about my uncertainty than ever before. One thing I know for sure:

that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.